Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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