why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't think brook has ever known best
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
