Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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