K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
