there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Nobody cheats on THIS.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
