when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Come on in and take your pants off
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