My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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