i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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