When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
