Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
