don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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