So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
