well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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