i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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