Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
