I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
