Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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