I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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