i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
from now on my penis is your penis
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize