I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
