I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
