i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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