it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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