If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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