I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
