Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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