first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
