Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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