I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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