My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
