I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
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I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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