nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
