the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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