glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
