Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
