11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
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