recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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