So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
