I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
