i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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