just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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