My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
