i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
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But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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