i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
