You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
