I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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