I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
