I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
