I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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