how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
