i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
