I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
