I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
