I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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